Promises in the Package Parade

Lyrics

Spoken intro: Welcome, everybody, to the Trump Promise Tour: all the hype of a stadium concert, all the delivery of an Amazon package marked “out for delivery” since 2024. Verse 1 He said, “Day one, I’ll drop the grocery bill.” And technically, he did— right onto our kitchen table like a bowling ball. I went to buy eggs and the cashier asked, “Card, cash, or will you be selling plasma today?” Gas was gonna be two dollars. Sure. In the same fantasy universe where the McRib is nutritionally balanced and every man who owns a podcast has “done his research.” Chorus It’s the greatest hits nobody received, A platinum record of promises that quietly left the feed. No wars, cheap food, money falling from the sky— If confidence were currency, we’d all retire by July. Verse 2 “Ukraine in twenty-four hours!” He said it like he was rebooting a router. It has now been more than twenty-four hours, which means the router is blinking red and somebody’s dad is yelling, “DON’T TOUCH IT—I’M FIXING IT.” Then: “No new wars!” And Iran said, “That sounds like a challenge.” Suddenly we’re in a conflict so fast even the slogan got whiplash. “No new wars” became “Well, it’s complicated,” the official motto of men who refuse to read past a headline. Chorus It’s the greatest hits nobody received, Every promise had a receipt, but it could not be retrieved. Just a slogan in a trucker hat, a press conference, and a glare— Like a timeshare presentation, but for national despair. Verse 3 “I’ll release the Epstein files!” Then the files went into witness protection. Every week: “They’re coming.” Baby, at this point those files have crossed the country more times than a retired couple in an RV named Freedom II. And the promised checks! Two grand! Where are they? Somewhere between “Mexico will pay for it” and “healthcare in two weeks,” in a storage unit with the Ark of the Covenant. Bridge “Tariffs will pay for everything!” That’s adorable. Tariffs are like putting a tip jar on your own kitchen counter and calling it passive income. You still pay. You’re just being asked to clap while doing it. And when grocery prices did not magically drop, the explanation was basically: “Look, prices are down if you don’t count food, gas, electricity, rent, or the part where you need to survive.” Verse 4 Imported Argentine beef was supposed to save cookout season. Instead it came with paperwork drama— because apparently even the steaks need as much documentation as some people want married women voters to have. And he says he kept every promise. That is technically true if the promise was: “I will keep saying I kept every promise.” Nobody has kept a promise to keep saying they kept promises more faithfully. Final chorus It’s the greatest hits nobody received, A campaign album full of songs that never made it to streaming. Cheap gas, no wars, checks that never cleared— Every verse was “Believe me,” and every chorus disappeared. Spoken outro: But don’t worry. The five thousand dollar checks are coming. Right behind the two thousand dollar ones. Only if you vote correctly that is. They're traveling by unicorn, through Narnia, It’s just being processed by the same department handling two-dollar gas, world peace in twenty-four hours, and the release date for the “very, very soon” healthcare plan.