Historical Hands2

Lyrics

{Intro Verse} I had a genius idea pop into my head, So I built a time machine in my best friend’s shed. Some duct tape, rage, and a grudge well-fed— Now I’m messin’ with history, and swingin’ with dread. Set the dial to “Justice,” hit the switch— Every asshole in history ’bout to get HIT. We’re going back—but fists are flying forward. --- {Verse 3} First stop: Versailles—royalty knockout. Found Marie and Louis (16th!) on their velvet throne, Said, “LET THEM EAT FIST!” then yeeted a scone. Columbus was next, smug as sin, Told him, “Discover THIS punch, you genocidal bitch!” Fed him the map upside down as a snack, Then kicked him so hard he discovered his own crack. (Bon voyage.) Napoleon strutting like he owns the world, So I slapped his bones apart—and left with his girl. (Hi, Josephine! Muah! ) Henry VIII? Acting all divine, I slapped him and screamed, “Y-chromosomes are YOURS—and you’re not divine!” He said “Heir,” I said “Error,” then flipped his plate— Told him, “Maybe try therapy before wife number eight.” Freud? He said, “Sometimes a cigar is just—” A PUNCH IN THE FACE. Get outta here, you colossal fake. I slapped him so hard he repressed his whole career, Then whispered “Your mom” and disappeared. Andrew Jackson was stompin’ through— I hit him with a chair like it’s pay-per-view. Said, “Trail of Tears? Try Trail of Bruise, And this time you get relocated—by my shoes.” Edison, thievin' lightbulb clown, Tried to dim my vibe so I shut him down. Punched him once—he said, “Did that hurt?” You betcha! “Not as much as it hurts to NOT BE TESLA!” Pavlov rang a bell—I rang his jaw, Half-tempted to just let the dogs eat him raw. Last stop: Pythagoras, triangle guy, Didn’t even say nothin’, just punched him dry. Why? Because math. That’s it. No lie. He tried to calculate the angle—I just blackened his eye. --- {Chorus} I got hands for history, fists full of facts, Time-travel justice in paradox slaps. One punch for every warlord, tyrant, fake sage— I'm the reason your textbook has a missing page. [Pow! In the face of oppression, wham with precision,] Serving world karma, no statute of limitation!