Bruce bet casino

Lyrics

[INTRO – Dark absurd casino jingle. Female lead sounds calm, amused and increasingly sarcastic. Male casino-support voice is extremely polite, robotic and permanently relaxed.] Bruce Bet Casino, Bruce Bet Casino, twenty-five thousand SEK, where did my withdrawal go? Bruce Bet Casino, Bruce Bet Casino, “Your funds remain safe and secure.” Oh fantastic. So where the fuck are they? [VERSE 1 – Female lead, conversational comedy delivery.] I won twenty-five thousand, pressed withdrawal, thought that was the end, apparently my money needed its own adventure before reaching my bank account again. Twenty-four to forty-eight hours, that’s what started this beautiful ride, but somewhere along the journey those hours apparently entered another dimension of time. [MALE SUPPORT VOICE – Calm, corporate, absurdly reassuring.] “Hello Tallie. Thank you for your patience. Your withdrawal is being handled individually.” [FEMALE LEAD.] Individually? Honey, at this point my withdrawal has received more individual attention than I have. [PRE-CHORUS – Beat builds. Female lead becomes mock-dramatic.] So I started looking for the people, the people started looking for the team, the team started looking for the department, and somewhere underneath Bruce Bet Casino there’s apparently a basement nobody’s ever seen. [CHORUS – Big catchy casino-pop chorus with backing vocals repeating the casino name.] Bruce Bet Casino! Bruce Bet Casino! Welcome to the Relevant Department! Down the stairs, behind the door, past the filing cabinet on the basement floor. Bruce Bet Casino! Bruce Bet Casino! Twenty-five thousand safe and sound! Nobody cancelled it, nobody withheld it, nobody can tell me when it’s coming out! [BACKING VOCALS.] Safe and secure! Safe and secure! [FEMALE LEAD.] YES, I KNOW IT’S SECURE. I’M TRYING TO GET IT INTO MY BANK ACCOUNT. [VERSE 2 – Playful female storytelling. Male support character interrupts throughout.] Then finally came the email, “Hello Tallie, hope you’re well.” Oh I’m wonderful, thank you, I’ve just completed another week in customer-service hell. [MALE SUPPORT VOICE.] “Your withdrawal has not been cancelled.” [FEMALE.] Great. [MALE SUPPORT VOICE.] “It has not been withheld.” [FEMALE.] Even better. [MALE SUPPORT VOICE.] “Your funds remain secure.” [FEMALE.] Beautiful. [MALE SUPPORT VOICE.] “The full amount will be transferred directly to your designated bank account once the review is completed.” [FEMALE.] PERFECT. WHEN? [MALE SUPPORT VOICE.] “Unfortunately we cannot predict the exact timeframe.” [FEMALE.] THERE HE IS. THERE’S MY GUY. [CHORUS – Bigger, ridiculous backing choir.] Bruce Bet Casino! Bruce Bet Casino! Relevant Department underground! Twenty-five thousand SEK is apparently perfectly safe somewhere nobody’s found! Bruce Bet Casino! Bruce Bet Casino! Full amount directly to my bank! Everything has been confirmed except the one tiny detail I keep fucking asking! [BRIDGE – Comedy character scene. Sparse beat. Different voices answer each other.] [FEMALE LEAD.] Monday? [SUPPORT.] “Under review.” [FEMALE.] Tuesday? [SUPPORT.] “Please be patient.” [FEMALE.] Wednesday? [SUPPORT.] “Relevant Department.” [FEMALE.] Thursday? [SUPPORT.] “Additional time.” [FEMALE.] Friday? [SOUND EFFECT: cookie crunch.] What the fuck was that? [SUPPORT, MOUTH FULL.] “Nothing.” [FEMALE.] IS THE RELEVANT DEPARTMENT EATING COOKIES? [SUPPORT.] “Your funds remain secure.” [FEMALE.] THAT WASN’T MY QUESTION. [BREAKDOWN – Heavy comic beat, chant between female lead and backing vocals.] Twenty-four! [BACKING.] To forty-eight! [FEMALE.] Twenty-four! [BACKING.] To forty-eight! [FEMALE.] Hours or days? [BACKING.] Nobody knows! [FEMALE.] Relevant Department? [BACKING.] Basement below! [FEMALE.] Twenty-five thousand? [BACKING.] Safe and secure! [FEMALE.] Exact timeframe? [BACKING.] NOT FUCKING SURE! [FINAL CHORUS – Huge euphoric casino anthem, female lead laughing through parts of it.] Bruce Bet Casino! Bruce Bet Casino! I finally found the Relevant Department! I’ve got the emails, I’ve got the promise, I’ve got twenty-five thousand with my name upon it! Bruce Bet Casino! Bruce Bet Casino! I’m not asking for another game! I’m not chasing bonuses, I’m not chasing jackpots, I’m chasing the winnings I already fucking claimed! Bruce Bet Casino! Bruce Bet Casino! Full amount directly to my bank! You wrote it yourselves, I’ve got it in writing, so Relevant Department, THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT! [OUTRO – Music suddenly becomes tiny elevator music.] [MALE SUPPORT VOICE.] “Thank you for your patience, Tallie. We hope your withdrawal will be processed very soon.” [FEMALE LEAD.] Define “very soon.” [LONG PAUSE.] [SOUND EFFECT: cookie crunch.] [FEMALE LEAD.] I fucking knew it.