I Still Choose You, I Just Can’t Stay

Lyrics

[Verse 1] I keep praying you’ll give me a reason Just one good reason not to go Say something that makes all this waiting Worth every night I’ve spent alone Tell me I’m not loving a tomorrow That’s never gonna come Tell me I haven’t made a home Inside a man I can’t belong to ‘Cause I don’t wanna pack up these feelings I don’t wanna learn to sleep without you I don’t wanna become a memory You think about when she lies beside you God, I don’t wanna leave you But I don’t know how much longer I can keep breaking quietly Just so I don’t have to lose you [Pre-Chorus] You keep telling me there’s an “us” Somewhere down the road But baby, I’ve been standing on that road So long My heart is getting tired Of waiting for you to come home [Chorus] I’m not leaving ‘cause I don’t love you God, that’s what makes this hurt so bad I’m leaving ’cause I love you More than anything I was never allowed to have And I don’t know how I’m supposed to walk away When every part of me is begging me to stay How do I tell my hands They can’t reach for you? How do I tell my body It can’t need you? How do I tell my heart That loving you isn’t enough When you’re the only thing it fucking wants? I don’t want to leave I don’t want to heal I don’t want a life Where you become somebody I used to feel But I can’t keep being yours Only when you can get away Baby, I still choose you I just can’t stay [Verse 2] The worst part is You didn’t even have to promise me forever You just looked at me Like maybe one day I could have you And somehow “maybe” became enough For me to build dreams around Now I’m standing in the middle of them Watching every one burn down And I hate myself for wondering If tomorrow would’ve been the day What if I leave tonight And next week you finally walk away? What if I give up One damn minute too soon? What if everything I’ve been waiting for Was almost coming true? See, that’s how hope kills you It doesn’t let you leave It whispers “Just a little longer” While you’re bleeding underneath [Chorus] I’m not leaving ‘cause I don’t love you I’m leaving because I do And I’d rather break my own fucking heart Than spend another year waiting to belong to you But tell me— How do I stop wanting the person I still want to run to? How do I become a stranger To the arms I feel safest in? How do I call this “moving on” When all I’m doing Is forcing myself to live without you? I don’t want somebody better I don’t want somebody new That’s what nobody understands Baby, I still fucking want you. I just can’t keep wanting you Like this [Bridge] And I’m terrified… Terrified that I’ll leave And you’ll let me That I’ll spend my whole drive home Waiting for my phone to ring And it won’t Terrified I’ll wake up the next morning And realize the world kept moving Like I didn’t just lose The person I would’ve chosen Terrified you’ll miss me But not enough Love me But not enough Want me But not enough And I’ll have to live the rest of my life Knowing I was almost enough For you to change yours But God— I’m even more terrified That you’ll call Because if your name lights up my phone And you say, “Come back…” I know me I’ll turn that fucking car around I’ll come right back to you With the same heart You never had room to keep And we’ll call it love again Until I have to leave again [Breakdown] So maybe I need you To let me go Even though that’s the last thing I want you to do Maybe I need you To love me enough Not to stop me this time Because I don’t think I’m strong enough To leave you twice [Final Chorus] I’m not leaving because my heart changed I’m leaving because nothing else did And God, I wish loving you Could’ve been enough to fix this Because if love were the only thing that mattered I’d already be home I’d fall asleep beside you every night And never know what waiting felt like again But that’s not the life we have And I can’t keep loving you In the spaces left over From somebody else’s life So I’m going to walk away And every step is going to hurt I’m going to miss you While I’m leaving Love you While I’m leaving Want you While I’m leaving And probably turn around A hundred times Hoping you’ll come running after me But if you don’t… I’ll keep walking Not because I finally stopped choosing you But because somewhere along the way I realized you weren’t free to choose me back. [Outro — almost whispered] And if someday You finally are… Please don’t ask me If I ever stopped loving you Ask me how many nights I had to love you From somewhere you couldn’t reach me Ask me how many times I almost called Ask me how long it took Before I stopped checking my phone Ask me how many people I tried to find pieces of you in But please… Don’t ask me If I stopped wanting you Because I think that’s the one question I’ll have to lie about for the rest of my life.