Lyrics

[Spoken word over soft music] [confident, sweet, flirty female voice[

Henry VIII: A Man, A Myth, A Mess

Alright. Let’s talk about Henry VIII—King of England, serial husband, and absolute menace to stability. You know him. Big guy, big ego, ruined England’s relationship with the Pope because he just had to get divorced. That guy.

But let’s rewind.

Henry wasn’t even supposed to be king. That was his older brother Arthur’s gig. Arthur was all set up, married to Catherine of Aragon—Spanish princess, political powerhouse—but then he died, because it was the 1500s and people dropped like flies. So Henry, the spare, suddenly became the heir. He marries Catherine himself because, you know, gotta keep the alliance strong, and at first, he’s all about it. Young Henry? Athletic, smart, charming—the Renaissance dreamboat. He even wrote a book defending the Pope, which is hilarious in hindsight.

But then—drama. Catherine isn’t popping out sons, just one daughter (shoutout to Mary I). And Henry, convinced he’s cursed or something, decides God wants him to dump Catherine and marry Anne Boleyn. Problem: the Pope says no. So Henry, in peak "main character energy," goes fine, I’ll make my own church! It was the Tudor equivalent of taking your ball and going home. "Oh, I can’t have a divorce? Fine. This is MY England now." And boom—the Church of England is born… out of wedlock, I might add. Not out of some deep theological revelation, but because one guy refused to take no for an answer.

So Henry marries Anne, and guess what? Still no son. Just another daughter—Elizabeth I, who, spoiler alert, turns out to be way more important than any son he ever could have had. But Henry doesn’t know that, and Anne gets the chop for... let’s just say, vague reasons (adultery, witchcraft, existing too boldly). Then comes wife #3, Jane Seymour, who finally gives him a son (Edward VI) but dies almost immediately because childbirth in the 1500s was basically a death sentence.

Then it gets messy. Anne of Cleves, marriage annulled because Henry didn’t like her vibe. Catherine Howard, actually did cheat on him, beheaded. And finally, Catherine Parr, who survived by basically outliving him. By this point, Henry is falling apart—physically and mentally. He’s obese, covered in sores, possibly had syphilis, and honestly just gross. But he does get his male heir. Edward VI becomes king at 9, but oops, he dies at 15, which brings us back to Mary and then Elizabeth, who really takes the throne and runs with it.

So, the moral of the story? Henry VIII spent his whole life obsessed with having a son, and the daughter he ignored turned out to be England’s greatest ruler. Irony is delicious.


Also, his ghost is probably out there somewhere, still mad about it.