Home Out of Being Needed

Lyrics

[Verse 1] Thirty-nine with a key on a chain A room upstairs and a borrowed name Mama calls from the kitchen sink Says, “Your father’s gone, what else do you think?” So I fold her towels, I fix her gate I promise I’ll leave, then I stay too late She counts the hours I’m out of sight And I call that love when it feels like a life [Pre-Chorus] You wait by the door with your coat in your hands Three years of asking me to make a plan I kiss your forehead, I swear I’ll try Then answer her number and watch you cry [Chorus] I made a home out of being needed Built my whole life where I could be pleaded You saw a man underneath the mess I gave you excuses dressed up as stress Every time you said, “Please, don’t disappear” I heard an accusation, not the fear Now the pills are gone and the house is still I’m standing at the edge of my own will [Verse 2] White bottle hidden in the toolbox drawer Little blue lie by the bathroom floor I said I was tired, said I had the flu Said you were cruel for asking what I do She kept my jacket beside her bed Kept every promise I never kept While I drove back through the evening rain To a mother’s silence and a father’s name [Pre-Chorus] You learned every tremor beneath my skin I learned how to make you feel guilty for it You called my anger what it was I called your leaving proof you never loved [Chorus] I made a home out of being needed Built my whole life where I could be pleaded You saw a man underneath the mess I gave you excuses dressed up as stress Every time you said, “Please, don’t disappear” I heard an accusation, not the fear Now the pills are gone and the house is still I’m standing at the edge of my own will [Bridge] I found Dad’s watch in the bedroom drawer Stopped at the number on the face once more If he could speak, would he tell me to stay? Or put my hand on the door and say “Your mother is hurting, but she isn’t your chain Your sorrow is real, but it isn’t your name The life you keep waiting to deserve Is built from the choices you make first” [Final Chorus] I won’t make a home out of being needed Won’t call a cage a place I’m protected You loved a man I refused to become I can’t ask you to wait for what I’ve done If you’re gone, I’ll carry the truth, not the blame I’ll say what I broke without cursing your name No miracle cure, no clean, easy hill Just one front door and the strength to stand still [Outro] Mama’s voice through the thin hallway wall I let it ring, I don’t answer the call Your photograph faces the morning sun I take one step, then another one