Little Bernie

Lyrics

[Verse 1] Little Bernie walks in, barely five feet tall, Dressed like Wednesday Addams, judging us all. She don’t say much, just gives you that stare, And somehow a knife just appears outta nowhere. She’s tiny, she’s funny, she’s sweet as can be, But I wouldn’t turn my back if she’s standing by me. She said, “Relax, Matt, I’m not stabbing you…” Which is EXACTLY what a stabber would say to you. [Chorus] 🎶 Ohhh, Bernie! Bernie! Tiny little queen of misery! Half Wednesday Addams, half Willy Wonka, Running through the halls like an angry Oompa Loompa! Bernie! Bernie! Four-foot-something of pure insanity! Chocolate in one hand, little knife in the other, She’ll stab you with a smile, then offer you a Gobstopper! 🎶 [Verse 2] She opened up a factory, nobody knows why, There’s chocolate in the river and suspicious guys. “Come with meeee, and you’ll beeee…” Bernie stops— “Quiet. You’re annoying me.” Oompa Loompas scattered, everybody ran, Bernie’s chasing someone with a chocolate-covered hand. She’s yelling, “IT’S A JOKE!” while they’re calling security, Then casually walks off with a Wonka Bar peacefully. [Bridge] She’s got Wednesday’s charm, Wonka’s little hat, A pocket full of candy— And we won’t discuss the rest of that. She may be small, But hear me when I say: If Bernie says, “Come to my chocolate factory…” YOU HAVE PLANS THAT DAY. [Final Chorus] 🎶 BERNIE! BERNIE! Pocket-sized agent of anarchy! Wednesday on Monday, Wonka by Friday, Probably banned from HR by Saturday! Bernie! Bernie! The shortest little threat you’ll ever meet! She’ll roast you, stab you*, make you laugh till you cry— Then hand you some chocolate like, “We good, right?” *Allegedly. 😂 [Outro — spoken] “Bernie… where did you get that knife?” “…Chocolate factory.” “That doesn’t answer my question.” “…Good.” 🎵