Thanksgiving family horror

Lyrics

THANKSGIVING A Family Horror Story [Overly cheerful piano intro] Oh, Thanksgiving! Thanks for giving Me a family that can't get enough! Of money, attention, inheritance, And pretending that we're full of love! Gather 'round the table, Put your grievances aside, We've got turkey, mashed potatoes, And a thousand things to hide! Oh, this pie is absolutely lovely! Thank God I've learned to lie! "Grandma, you've outdone yourself!" (I'd honestly rather die.) But honesty's offensive, And accountability's a crime, So pass the gravy, shut your mouth, And have a lovely time! [Upbeat piano flourish] [Verse 1 – The Family Feast] Look at all these happy faces, What a beautiful façade! Everyone's a holy saint When they're praising their own God! They've never made mistakes, They've never told a lie, They just rewrite family history Over store-bought pumpkin pie! Stuff the turkey, stuff your feelings, Stuff your problems up your arse, Smile for the family photograph, What a spectacular farce! And speaking of the stuffing, Do you people own a spice? I'd rather eat at KFC, At least their chicken's nice! [Sudden silence] "Who made the potatoes?" ... "Oh." [Chorus – Sickeningly Cheerful] Oh, Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving! What a wonderful tradition! Passing down our trauma Like a hereditary condition! We love you! We love you! Well, depending what you're worth! We're the most dysfunctional Little family on the Earth! Pass the salt! Pass the butter! Don't you dare confront your mother! We can criticize each other, Just don't say it to each other! [Verse 2 – Happy Families] Now here's to all the happy couples, Such a lovely sight to see! A husband and a wife, United in mediocrity! Two emotionally unavailable people Working as a team! Ignoring all their children's needs, What a matrimonial dream! Oh, Grandma, sweet old Grandma, You deserve a loving man! Or pick another arsehole, That's apparently the plan! Such a sweet old lady, Passing judgment over tea, Pretending she's never made mistakes, Oh, what humility! "Your mother kicked you out? Well, you must have misbehaved!" Now stop complaining, dear, And take away my dirty plate! [Cheerful piano sting] [Chorus – Faster, Brighter] Oh, Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving! What a wonderful tradition! Passing down our trauma Like a hereditary condition! We love you! We love you! You're the apple of our eye! Unless you disagree with us, Then frankly, you can die! Pass the salt! Pass the butter! Don't you dare confront your mother! We can gossip, lie, and slander, But we're loyal to each other! [Verse 3 – The Inheritance] Now let's talk about inheritance, The true meaning of the day! How much did Grandma leave us? And who gets what when she decays? Oh, I'm sorry! That's insensitive! We love her, yes we do! But has she updated her will? And is the signature true? Someone's banging on the window! Oh my God, who could it be? Is it love? Is it forgiveness? Is it someone bringing brie? [Spoken, sincerely] "Money doesn't matter to this family." [Pause] "Anyway, who gets the house?" [Bridge – Piano Slows] And maybe that's the tragedy, Beneath the cranberry sauce, We'd rather lose our children Than acknowledge we're the cause. We'd rather die defending The illusion that we're right, Than say three little words That might just end a fight. "I'm very sorry." [Long pause] [Spoken, laughing] "HAHA! Can you imagine?" [Explosive piano returns] [Final Chorus – Full Musical Meltdown] THANKSGIVING! THANKSGIVING! WHAT A WONDERFUL TRADITION! PASS THE TURKEY, PASS THE TRAUMA, PASS THE FAMILY SUPERSTITION! WE LOVE YOU! WE LOVE YOU! NOW DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE! YOU'RE UNGRATEFUL IF YOU QUESTION ALL THE NONSENSE WE BELIEVE! PASS THE SALT! PASS THE BUTTER! DON'T YOU DARE CONFRONT YOUR MOTHER! WE ALL HATE EACH OTHER BUT WE'LL DIE FOR ONE ANOTHER! Well, not literally, of course, That would be asking quite a lot. We barely visit when you're sick, Unless you've got a vacant lot! [Music cuts] [Outro – Spoken, Pleasantly] "Well, that was lovely." "Same time next year?" [Pause] "Absolutely." [Quietly] "Fuck my life." [One cheerful piano chord] Happy Thanksgiving!