(VAI) Gettin' Beat With A Rolling Pin Sucks

Lyrics

[Intro – spoken over dirty guitar riff and kitchen clatter] I have endured hardship I have suffered disappointment I have stepped barefoot on things in the dark But I am here to report As a matter of public record: Getting beat with a rolling pin Sucks [Verse 1] Came through the kitchen at a quarter past nine Minding my business, feeling mostly fine Saw one little biscuit where a biscuit should not be Said, “That little fellow looks abandoned to me” Reached out gentle, gave the plate a grin That is when the trouble began to begin Heard a drawer slam shut, heard a slipper squeak Saw a wooden cylinder coming for my cheek I have made mistakes I have paid some dues I have heard the Lord say, “Boy, you choose” But never in the catalog of regret and sin Did anybody mention getting beat with a rolling pin [Chorus] Getting beat with a rolling pin sucks I do not recommend it, no It thumps where it lands It leaves a man convinced He should have let that biscuit go Getting beat with a rolling pin sucks That is my educated view When the flour starts flying And the handle starts swinging There ain’t much dignity left in you [Verse 2] I tried diplomacy, I tried the truth Said, “Ma’am, I was inspecting the proof” Said, “This ain’t theft, this is quality control” She said, “Quality control can carry your soul” Whack on the shoulder, whack on the pride I did a little dance and went sliding wide Knocked down a chair, spilled coffee on my shoe Said, “I believe the message has gotten through” But rage has momentum And pastry has law And a rolling pin don’t need no probable cause It is justice with handles, consequence with grain A hardwood sermon in the language of pain [Chorus] Getting beat with a rolling pin sucks I do not recommend it, friends It starts with a cookie Or a slice of pie And nobody knows where it ends Getting beat with a rolling pin sucks I offer this wisdom free When the baker goes silent And her eyes get violent Put the cinnamon roll down carefully [Instrumental Break – honky-tonk piano, greasy guitar, rolling-pin clack on the backbeat] [Verse 3] By ten o’clock I was outside in the yard Contemplating life and breathing hard One hand on my head, one hand on my side One little stolen biscuit nowhere to hide Neighbor leaned over from his porch next door Said, “What kind of hell were you hollering for?” I said, “Friend, let my ruin serve you well: Never test a cook when the kitchen smells” He nodded slowly like a man made wise Saw the welt on my arm, saw the truth in my eyes Then his screen door opened, and I heard him shout: “No, honey, I was just helping that fellow out!” [Spoken] Then I heard another drawer open. I did not stay to see what was in it. [Bridge – mock-serious gospel build] Some men are beaten by sorrow Some men are beaten by time Some men are beaten by choices Made in the wreckage of their mind Me? I got beat for a biscuit And there is no deeper sign No hidden road to glory No grand mysterious design Just me A bad decision And a woman With a rolling pin [Breakdown – stomping blues-rock] Whack! That’s for the biscuit Whack! That’s for the pie Whack! That’s for saying “You ain’t gonna eat it anyhow” Run, boy, run Drop the plate, save your skin There ain’t no victory In arguing with a rolling pin [Final Chorus] Getting beat with a rolling pin sucks Put it down in the permanent file It’ll straighten your posture Correct your assumptions And wipe that look off your smile Getting beat with a rolling pin sucks That is the whole damn song When the pastries are guarded And the cook is hard-hearted Just turn your hungry ass around Getting beat with a rolling pin sucks I have suffered enough to know If the biscuit ain’t yours And you value your pores Let that little buttered bastard go [Outro – spoken over limping guitar and kitchen door slam] There are lessons a man learns through study There are lessons a man learns through prayer And there are lessons Delivered at high speed By an angry woman Holding kitchen equipment Getting beat with a rolling pin sucks That concludes my report