Swimming in My Trousers

Lyrics

[Intro] A week off, that’s all—seven days, give or take, Came back through the office and there’s Ash at my desk. [Verse 1] He’s got my trousers on, cuffs dragging the floor, Holding up the waistband with a lanyard and more. Says, “I’m stepping up now, I can do what you do,” Mate, your feet can’t find the ends—there’s a breeze passing through. You’ve pinched my old swivel chair, you’ve nicked my best mug, You’re signing off my emails with a confident shrug. But the sleeves of that jacket are swallowing your hands, You look like you’ve borrowed a suit from a travelling band. [Chorus] Ash wants my job, Ash wants my name, Ash wants my chair and a slice of my fame. But those trousers are huge, and the hems hit the ground— You can’t fill my shoes if you’re tripping around! Ash wants my spot, says he’s ready to lead, But the belt’s on the last hole and he’s still got room to breathe. You can borrow the look, you can copy the pose, But you’re swimming in my trousers, mate—everyone knows! [Verse 2] He’s using my phrases in the Monday review, “Let’s circle back”—that one’s definitely new. He’s practised my nod in the lift’s shiny door, Then walked into a meeting and forgot what it’s for. Got my old notebook open, my scribbles all read, There’s a shopping list in there and a phone number crossed out in red. He says, “I’m basically you,” with a grin and a wink, Then asks where I keep the tea bags and how printers work. [Chorus] Ash wants my job, Ash wants my name, Ash wants my chair and a slice of my fame. But those trousers are huge, and the hems hit the ground— You can’t fill my shoes if you’re tripping around! Ash wants my spot, says he’s ready to lead, But the belt’s on the last hole and he’s still got room to breathe. You can borrow the look, you can copy the pose, But you’re swimming in my trousers, mate—everyone knows! [Bridge] I’m only back Tuesday, he’s already got a plan, Booked himself a meeting called “The New Main Man.” Ash, take a deep breath, put the trousers away— They’re not a promotion, they’re just laundry today. [Outro] A week I was gone, now the office is sound, Ash hands back the trousers—still dragging the ground. He says, “Maybe next year I’ll be big enough, though.” Aye, maybe, mate. Start by learning the printer, though.