Piano‑Panic Family Parade

Lyrics

FAMILY DRAMA [Cheerful piano] Family drama, family trauma, Nobody takes accountability—period, no comma. We break the cycle every day, By changing the subject and looking away, Then secretly wondering why the problems stay! We’re falsely acting pleasant to maintain the status quo, But mention something happened and it’s— “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” “You have a problem.” “Clearly you’re the issue.” “I hope you get the help you need.” Activate alligator tears while clutching tissue. Therapy is wonderful, We strongly recommend it. For you. Not us. We’d rather die than attend it. Don’t bring up my mood swings, Or possible mental illness, That’s rude, invasive, judgmental— Could we please return to stillness? Anyway, Grandma’s ex-boyfriend Was an abusive fucking prick— But don’t tell Grandma I said that. Jesus Christ—are you sick? Yes, I recognize the pattern, And yes, I did repeat it, But calling it “generational trauma” Feels unnecessarily conceited. Let’s call it family drama, That sounds considerably lighter. “Trauma” needs accountability. “Drama” just needs a writer. Your brother sure has issues, But really, don’t we all? And if everybody has a problem, Then nobody’s at fault! [Music stops] That’s not how that works. [Music resumes obnoxiously cheerful] DON’T WE ALL?! Family drama! Family trauma! Period, period—definitely no comma! We’ve tried nothing whatsoever— Oh gee, it’s still not getting better! Anxiety? Taboo! Addiction? Not our jurisdiction! Depression? Change the direction! Accountability?— [Music stops] “Why does everything need a label?” “Why can’t we just be ourselves?” Sure! Ignore what we did, Put denial on the shelves! [Piano immediately resumes] If you bring it up, We’ll have a conniption, Then rewrite the story— It’s a family tradition. We’ll diagnose your tone, Your motives and your diction, Anything to avoid A little self-reflection. “I’m worried about your anger!” “This isn’t you!” Okay... Can we discuss your problems too? NO! I’M CLOSING THAT DOOR! Like when you hid From all the screaming? Don’t bring that up! That’s a little demeaning! DON’T PUT OUR PRIVATE BUSINESS ON THE FUCKING STAGE! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! NOW CLOSE THE FUCKING PAGE! [Immediate cheerful piano] Family drama! Family trauma! Nothing screams “healing” like emotional armor! Keep it buried, keep it pleasant, Smile politely in the present. Because nothing says “healthy family” Quite like everyone agreeing: WE’VE GOT ABSOLUTELY NO DYSFUNCTION— NOW STOP THE FUCKING PRODUCTION! [Tiny cheerful piano flourish] Family drama, family trauma, Nobody takes accountability—period, no comma. Break the cycle? Absolutely! Just... quietly. And preferably— without involving me. [End immediately]