Four Tires, Zero Beds

Lyrics

[INTRO — SPOKEN] Mom: "Dominic! We're going to California!" Dom: "Awesome! Where are we staying?" Mom: "........" Dom: "MOM." [VERSE 1] We hopped on a plane with a dream and a prayer, Mom said, "Trust me, kid, I've got everything squared!" California sunshine, we're living like stars, Except we had no hotel, so we slept in the car! No fluffy white pillows, no continental eggs, Just a seatbelt buckle digging into our legs. Dom said, "Is this legal?" Mom said, "Probably fine!" He said, "I'm calling Grandma, you've completely lost your mind!" [PRE-CHORUS] The GPS is screaming, Mom's missing every turn, Dom's googling emancipation, he's got some things to learn. We came for adventure, we came for the views, Instead we got backaches and parking-lot blues! [CHORUS] CALIFORNIA! WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG?! We haven't had a bed or a shower in too long! Four tires, zero beds, one questionable plan, A mother losing brain cells and a deeply concerned young man! OH-OH-OH! We're living like stars! If the stars were broke and sleeping in cars! We're making memories, we're raising the bar— OF HOW MUCH CAN GO WRONG IN A RENTAL CAR! [VERSE 2 — HOLLYWOOD DISASTER] We went to find the Hollywood sign, Six giant letters? Nope, NINE! It's sitting on a mountain, visible from space, But somehow we drove circles round the entire damn place! Google Maps gave up, it needed therapy, Dom said, "This feels like a hostage documentary." Mom said, "Look! Another scenic little street!" Dom said, "Great. Can we pull over so I can admit defeat?" Then Warner Bros.! The Friends couch! What a sight! Dom said, "Finally! Somewhere to sleep tonight!" But security might object, so back outside we went, Even Sheldon from Big Bang had a better place to rent! [CHORUS] CALIFORNIA! WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG?! We've been driving in circles for six hours too long! Four tires, zero beds, one questionable plan, A mother losing brain cells and a deeply concerned young man! OH-OH-OH! We're living like stars! If the stars were broke and sleeping in cars! We're making memories, we're raising the bar— OF HOW MUCH CAN GO WRONG IN A RENTAL CAR! [VERSE 3 — THE BLUE ANGELS INCIDENT] We went to see the airplanes, a wholesome little day, Then the BLUE ANGELS CAME SCREAMING OUR WAY! [JET NOISE — INSANELY LOUD] Mom screamed like a banshee, Dom jumped out of his skin, Our souls left our bodies and haven't checked back in! My heart hit the pavement, my life flashed twice, Dom said, "That was awesome!" Mom said, "JESUS CHRIST!" One minute we're smiling, enjoying the show, Next minute our underwear's filing for a transfer home! [BRIDGE — TUVAN THROAT-SINGING SOLO] And then there's Dominic, making noises from his throat, Like a possessed refrigerator swallowed a mountain goat! [DEEP TUVAN THROAT-SINGING] "HHHOOOOOOOOOOO—MMMMMMMM—WOOOOOO!" Mom said, "WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS THAT SOUND?!" Dom said, "It's Tuvan throat singing! It's internationally renowned!" I thought the engine was dying, thought we'd blown a tire, Turns out my son's just a haunted choir! [VERSE 4 — BEACH AND SUNSET] We finally hit the beach, and for once things seemed okay, Beautiful blue water, a picture-perfect day. We posed for some selfies, pretended we were sane, Like we hadn't spent the night folded up in pain. Then the sunset turned the entire sky bright red, Dom said, "Pretty cool." Mom said, "WHERE'S OUR NEXT BED?" The sky looked like fire, our vacation looked cursed, But at least that sunset wasn't the worst! [FINAL CHORUS — FULL CHAOTIC ENERGY] CALIFORNIA! WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG?! We got lost, got blasted, and throat-sang along! Four tires, zero beds, one ridiculous plan, A completely unhinged mother and her traumatized young man! OH-OH-OH! WE CAME SO FAR! JUST TO SLEEP LIKE TWO IDIOTS IN A CAR! Couldn't find the sign, nearly died from a jet, AND SOMEHOW THIS IS OUR BEST VACATION YET! [OUTRO — SPOKEN] Mom: "So, Dominic, where should we go next year?" Dom: "A hotel." Mom: "What about another road trip?" Dom: "I'm calling Child Protective Services." [CAR DOOR SLAMS] [DISTANT TUVAN THROAT SINGING] "HHHOOOOOOOOOOO..." [END]