Tuesday's Trad Wife Plus

Lyrics

MISOGYNY GOTCHAS [Intro – Bright piano, game show voice] Welcome to Misogyny Gotchas! Where women are too weak to lead, Too strong to need a hand, And somehow run the whole damn world While failing to understand! Tonight's sponsor: The Alpha Male! Now with twice the ego, And half the self-awareness! [Verse 1 – Bouncy, cheerful] "Women only want your money!" Says a man who won't buy lunch. "They're all out there chasing winners!" Well, that's quite a sweeping hunch. You say love is just a market, Every kiss comes with a fee, Then get mad when she won't date you. Isn't choice a market thing? "Women all prefer bad boys!" Well, you've dated two or three. Now your ex is your research team, And your hurt's a PhD! [Chorus – Big, silly harmonies] Misogyny gotchas! What a grand display! Take one bad date, blame all women, Call it facts all day! Put a bow around your bias, Give your fear a fancy name. If you want respect from women, Try giving them the same! [Verse 2 – Mock science lecture] "It's biology!" you tell me, "Men are wired to roam!" But a woman with a past? "She should've stayed at home!" He's a legend, she's a warning, He's a stud, she's lost her worth. Same old act, two different scores, Depending on your birth! "Women hit the wall at thirty!" Do they bounce? Do they go splat? Is there someone with a stopwatch? Can we get a chart for that? You want youth that lasts forever, While your hairline heads for Spain. Funny how your age means wisdom, While her age means she's to blame! [Chorus] Misogyny gotchas! What a clever little game! When he does it, call it nature, When she does it, call it shame! [Verse 3 – Fake ad jingle] Introducing: TRAD WIFE PLUS! She cooks and cleans all day! She's strong enough to raise your kids, But too weak to have a say! She should work to pay the bills, But stay at home for you. Be innocent, but know your needs, And never question what you do! [Music stops] So she's your equal... As long as she obeys? Wow. What a deal. [Verse 4 – Quick piano, sharp jokes] "Women are too emotional!" Says the guy who's seeing red, 'Cause a woman said "No, thank you," And he took it as a threat. "Women can't be trusted driving!" "Women shouldn't be in charge!" But somehow they're all masterminds Who plot to steal your cards! They're weak, but they control you, They're dumb, but they're so sly. That's a lot of secret power For a group you say can't drive! [Verse 5 – Darker humour] "Why'd she wear that little outfit?" "Why'd she go out late at night?" Funny how her choice of clothing Gets put on trial for his crime. A dress is not permission, And a drink is not a yes. If your hands need her approval, Then her no means no. Full stop. "If she loved you, she'd give in!" Well, that's a strange request. Love is not a debt collector, And her body isn't rent! [Bridge – Voices overlap, music speeds up] Be pure! Be hot! Be quiet! Speak up! Be smart! Not too smart! Be tough! Need my love! Be free! But ask me! Be mine! Don't trap me! Be real! Look perfect! Be equal! Stay beneath me! [Silence] Are you looking for a partner... Or a custom-built appliance? [Verse 6 – Piano softens] A bad date can leave you bitter, And a lie can leave a scar. But pain won't tell you everything About the people that you aren't. A woman isn't property, A prize, a maid, a throne. She's a person with a future, And a right to call it her own. Men deserve compassion, Women deserve it too. No one owes you love or sex, And no one owns you. [Final Chorus – Warm, building] Misogyny gotchas! Now the joke is plain to see. You can't demand a woman's love While you deny her being free! No more shame by gender, No more rules that change by name. If you want a world with fairness, Then you have to play it fair! [Outro – Spoken, one piano note] Women aren't a hive mind. Men aren't born to rule. Consent isn't a puzzle. And heartbreak isn't a school That grants a degree in all women. [Pause] If your advice starts with "All women..." Maybe get a second opinion. [Bright final chord] Thanks for playing!