THE PRO SE ESE

Lyrics

Featuring El Jefe and the Courtroom Mariachi Band 🌮⚖️🔥 [INTRO — Spoken, over a funky mariachi bassline] ¡Órale, homes! They said, “You got representation?” I said, “Yeah, I represent the situation!” No suit, no tie, no fancy degree Just a sombrero and a PDF! ¡Arriba! ¡Vámonos! [VERSE 1] They call me the Pro Se Ese Sombrero on my cabeza Walked into court with no abogado Now my wallet rainin’ queso! Maria said, “Who’s your lawyer?” I said, “Señor, no comprende?” I came alone, I filed my brief And now they call me El Jefe! Got my papers in a folder Got a chip upon my shoulder They came rolling with attorneys I came rolling with a soda! Got a deadline on a Friday Got my filing in on Monday Now I’m dancing in the kitchen Like I won the Super Bowl Sunday! [PRE-CHORUS] They said, “Objection!” I said, “Correction!” You got a bill? I got a question! Who’s getting paid? Who’s getting played? Who’s gonna explain All these fees that you made? [CHORUS — Full mariachi horns, reggaetón beat] ¡Ese! ¡Ese! They call me the Pro Se Ese! ¡Jefe! ¡Jefe! Sombrero on my cabeza! No abogado, no problema Got the whole court singing my tema! ¡Ese! ¡Ese! Everybody knows El Jefe! Ay-ay-ay, arriba! Got my brief and my tortilla! Ay-ay-ay, qué pasa? Who put the fees in my salsa? [VERSE 2 — Rap] They rolled up deep with a legal team I rolled up solo with a filing screen They said, “Pay up!” I said, “For what?” You better show receipts for every buck! First they said, “Take it from his share!” Then they said, “The Trust should bear!” Then they said, “He should pay!” I said, “Pick a lane, José!” They got revisions, reconsiderations I got questions and observations They got motions, I got rhythm They got invoices, who’s gonna pay ’em? Click-click, upload, confirmation Nine-eighteen, that’s validation! Division One got my declaration Pro Se Ese on a legal vacation! [CHORUS] ¡Ese! ¡Ese! They call me the Pro Se Ese! ¡Jefe! ¡Jefe! Sombrero on my cabeza! No abogado, no problema Got the whole court singing my tema! ¡Ese! ¡Ese! Everybody knows El Jefe! [VERSE 3 — Cumbia bass kicks in] Karen called Maria, said, “What we gonna do?” “He’s quoting all the statutes and the case law too!” Ohana in the corner with a calculator I said, “Put that thing away, we’ll discuss it later!” Got the clerk’s papers, got the dates Got the whole enchilada on my plate Got the equitable allocation Doing the cha-cha through litigation! I ain’t asking for a golden throne Just leave my distribution alone You can argue till the cows come home But don’t send your legal bills to my phone! [BRIDGE — Slow, dramatic mariachi] Ay, mi dinero… Where did you go? Ay, mis abogados… They cost too much dough! I got no juris doctorate No fancy law-school certificate But I can read a court order And I know when something don’t fit! [BREAKDOWN — Beat drops, crowd chants] Who’s got the brief? ¡EL ESE! Who’s got the cheese? ¡EL JEFE! Who’s got the fees? ¡NOT ME! Who’s got the beat? ¡DJ PRO SE! One for the record! Two for the Trust! Three for the judge Who said, “Reasonableness is a must!” [FINAL VERSE — Double-time rap] I’m the courtroom caballero With a pocketful of cero But I’m dancing like a millionaire In my homemade legal sombrero! Got a PDF and a dream Got a one-man legal team Got a confirmation email Now I’m living that pro se meme! No objections to the fiesta Bring the tacos, bring the cerveza They can bill another hundred hours I’m just chilling on my siesta! [FINAL CHORUS — Everybody sings] ¡Ese! ¡Ese! They call me the Pro Se Ese! ¡Jefe! ¡Jefe! Sombrero on my cabeza! No abogado, no problema Got the whole court singing my tema! ¡Ese! ¡Ese! Everybody knows El Jefe! ¡Arriba, arriba! Let the whole courtroom hear ya! From Bellevue to Kennewick Got the whole familia cheering! [OUTRO — Spoken, horns fading] Your Honor… For the record… I object to the bill… But I do NOT object… TO THE FIESTA! ¡Caso cerrado, muchachos! PRO SE ESE! Cha-cha-cha! 🎺🪇🧀