The Throne Room blues

Lyrics

[Verse 1] Some call it the bog, some call it the loo, Some call it the place where you do what you do. There's the khazi, the crapper, the porcelain throne, The only wee room where a man sits alone. There's the lavvy, the dunny, the old thunderbox, Where you loosen your belt and unbutton your socks. Whatever you call it, wherever you roam, There's no better seat than the throne back at home! [Chorus] Oh, I'm off to the bog, I'm off to the loo, I've got some important paperwork to do! I'll be dropping the kids at the pool down the lane, And praying the plumbing can handle the strain! So don't come a-knocking, don't rattle the door, I've got urgent business on the porcelain floor! From the outhouse to Buckingham Palace's grand throne, Every king needs a kingdom to sit on alone! [Verse 2] An American man changed the John into Jim, Now his neighbours are terribly impressed with him. He says, "I go to the Jim three times a day!" They think he's been working his belly away. He tells all his friends he's been sweating for hours, While sitting there reading and smelling the flowers. He's lost not a pound, but he's proud as can be, "That Jim's really taking a load off of me!" [Chorus] Oh, I'm off to the bog, I'm off to the loo, I've got some important paperwork to do! I'll be dropping the kids at the pool down the lane, And praying the plumbing can handle the strain! So don't come a-knocking, don't rattle the door, I've got urgent business on the porcelain floor! From the outhouse to Buckingham Palace's grand throne, Every king needs a kingdom to sit on alone! [Verse 3] My grandad called his the old reading room, Where he'd vanish each morning till nearly past noon. My granny would shout, "Are you finished in there?" He'd say, "Nearly, my darling, I'm just getting air!" He'd take in the paper, a biscuit and tea, And emerge forty minutes as pleased as could be. She'd say, "What have you done for the whole bloody day?" He'd wink and reply, "I've been flushing away!" [Verse 4] There's the smallest room, the office, the can, The place where a boy gets to think like a man. The powder room, restroom, the old water closet, Where yesterday's dinner becomes a deposit. Some go for a tinkle, some go for a splash, Some sit there for ages and ponder their cash. But when nature comes calling, you'd better not stall, For the porcelain telephone answers us all! [Chorus] Oh, I'm off to the bog, I'm off to the loo, I've got some important paperwork to do! I'll be dropping the kids at the pool down the lane, And praying the plumbing can handle the strain! So don't come a-knocking, don't rattle the door, I've got urgent business on the porcelain floor! From the outhouse to Buckingham Palace's grand throne, Every king needs a kingdom to sit on alone! [Bridge – Spoken, with cheeky banjo] Now I've sat on a throne, And I've visited the John, I've spent time in the Jim, With me trousers halfway gone! I've powdered me nose, I've answered nature's call, But I've never understood... WHY THE BLOODY PAPER'S ON THE WALL! [Final Chorus – Faster, full band] Oh, I'm off to the bog, I'm off to the loo, I've got some important paperwork to do! I'll be dropping the kids at the pool down the lane, And praying the plumbing can handle the strain! So don't come a-knocking, don't rattle the door, I've got urgent business on the porcelain floor! From the outhouse to Buckingham Palace's grand throne, Every king needs a kingdom to sit on alone! [Outro – Spoken] "Three times at the Jim today, lads!" "Bloody hell, you're getting fit!" "Fit? I've been sitting down the whole time!" [Toilet flush – banjo flourish – laughter]