Family Stories Part 1

Lyrics

FUNNY FAMILY STORIES PART ONE: CHILD SUPPORT Spoken-word comedy | Dark humour | Sarcastic storytelling [Spoken, upbeat, conversational] Having separated parents is always fun. Especially when you're a kid and somehow end up caught in the middle of two adults who can't figure their shit out. But I've got a funny little childhood memory for you. See, I remember this one time my dad took me shopping for a brand-new bed. And I mean BRAND NEW. Not a hand-me-down. Not somebody else's old mattress. A brand-new bed. It was the first time I could remember getting one, and I was fucking EXCITED. We picked it out, brought it home to my mother's house, and I was just happy to have something new. Simple childhood happiness, right? Well... Apparently, I had forgotten one very important thing. THE AWARDS CEREMONY. [Pause] So my mother sits me down in the living room. And she goes... "So... do you like your new bed?" And I'm like... "YEAH! I love it!" She smiles. "Well... aren't you going to thank me?" [Confused pause] "Thank you? For what?" "Your new bed!" And I said... "But... Dad bought me my new bed." [Pause, imitate mother's voice] "YEAH, WELL, I GAVE UP AN ENTIRE MONTH'S CHILD SUPPORT SO HE COULD BUY IT FOR YOU!" [Long pause] Now, apparently, little me had the absolute AUDACITY... The sheer DISRESPECT... To ask one simple question. "Well... isn't that what child support is for?" [Record scratch] "EXCUSE ME?!" Ohhhhh, SHIT. Ladies and gentlemen... I HAD COMMITTED A FINANCIAL WAR CRIME. Apparently, child support wasn't supposed to support the child. It was supposed to support my mother's expectation of receiving a thank-you card! [Mock sincerity] "Dear Mom, Thank you so much for your generous sacrifice. I understand that allowing Dad to spend money on an actual necessity for his child must have been incredibly difficult for you. Your bravery will not be forgotten. Love, your ungrateful dependent." [Pause] Anyway... That little question turned into a HUGE argument. And being the apparently ungrateful little shit I was, I started bringing up other things I'd noticed growing up. Things she wasn't exactly used to being confronted about. And wouldn't you know it... Suddenly, the conversation wasn't about the bed anymore. It wasn't about child support. It wasn't even about what I'd said. Nope. It was time for... [Overly dramatic, trembling voice] "I THOUGHT I WAS A DECENT MOM..." "I DID THE BEST I COULD..." "I GUESS I'M JUST THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD!" [Silence] Ohhhhh, THERE IT IS! [Slow sarcastic clapping] Clap... Clap... Clap... AND THE EMMY GOES TO... MY MOTHER! For her outstanding performance in... "HOW DARE MY CHILD QUESTION ME?" A breathtaking emotional performance. Tears! Guilt! Deflection! And the incredible ability to turn a conversation about a child's BED... Into a conversation about how much the MOTHER was suffering! [Pause, cheerful again] But here's where the story gets even funnier. See, my mother had apparently told other people in the family that my dad's child support money... Was her... [Slow, deliberate delivery] FUN. MONEY. [Pause] FUN MONEY?! And apparently, she thought we'd never hear about that! So suddenly, the whole bed situation made a LOT more sense. I wasn't just getting a new bed. I was cutting into the entertainment budget! [Mock horrified voice] "Oh no! My child needs somewhere to sleep! There goes my FUN MONEY!" [Pause] And the funniest part? She wanted ME to thank HER... For allowing my father to spend money on ME. Money that was supposed to help support ME. [Slow, sarcastically heartfelt] So, Mom... If you're listening... I just want to say something I apparently never properly said as a child. Thank you. Thank you SO much. For making the tremendous financial sacrifice... Of letting child support... Actually support... YOUR CHILD. [Pause] I hope you eventually recovered from that devastating loss of recreational income. [Cheerful closing] Anyway! That's Part One of Funny Family Stories! Where the childhood memories are priceless... But apparently, the child support wasn't! THANKS, MOM! [Spoken, dry] And yes... The bed was comfortable. Shame the conversation wasn't.