INMATE BUTLER'S BABY BLUES

Lyrics

The Diaper, the Door, and the Damn Pacifier Genre: Explicit Southern Rock / Comedy Country [INTRO – Spoken, sarcastic Southern drawl] Well, holy shit, here we go again! Somebody call the nursery! We got a full-grown baby sitting at the door! His name's Butler! Somebody get this motherfucker a bottle! [VERSE 1] Inmate Butler's sitting at the door, Kicking his feet on the dirty-ass floor. Thumb in his mouth, tears rolling down, Biggest damn crybaby in the whole compound! He's kicking and screaming, pitching a fit, Crying like a toddler who ain't got his shit. His face turned red, his bottom lip shook, Somebody get this baby a goddamn picture book! He hollered, "I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT NO MORE!" Then threw his little tantrum right there by the door! [CHORUS – Loud, screaming, full band] WAAAAH! WAAAAH! SOMEBODY OPEN THE DOOR! "My fucking pacifier just fell on the floor!" "WAAAAH! WAAAAH! I CAN'T TAKE NO MORE!" "My diaper's full of shit and my ass is getting sore!" "CHANGE MY DIAPER! WASH MY PACIFIER!" "Somebody help me, this smell's like a dumpster fire!" "I'm a grown-ass man, but I'm crying like I'm four!" "WAAAAH! WAAAAH! SOMEBODY OPEN THE DOOR!" [VERSE 2] Butler started rocking, sitting on his ass, Crying about the stink and the goddamn gas. Said, "I want my bottle! I want my bed! And somebody put a pillow underneath my head!" He rubbed his little eyes, let out a moan, "Why the hell won't somebody just send me home?" He kicked both feet and slapped the floor, Then started that same bullshit all over once more! "THIS AIN'T FAIR! I WANT MY WAY!" "Somebody change my fucking diaper today!" [CHORUS – Louder, with backup singers] WAAAAH! WAAAAH! SOMEBODY OPEN THE DOOR! "My fucking pacifier just fell on the floor!" "WAAAAH! WAAAAH! I CAN'T TAKE NO MORE!" "Somebody get this shitty diaper out the door!" "ROCK ME! BURP ME! GIVE ME MY TEDDY BEAR!" "I CAN'T STAND THIS GODDAMN SMELL IN HERE!" "Somebody get my mommy! I don't wanna stay!" "WAAAAH! WAAAAH! I WANT MY FUCKING WAY!" [BRIDGE – Music stops, baby crying sound effect] Sniffle ... sniffle ... "But ... but ... I don't like it in here." Sniffle ... "And my pacifier's dirty." "And my diaper's wet." "And nobody's listening to me!" [Deep announcer voice] "Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this program for an emergency announcement." "Inmate Butler has officially lost his goddamn mind." "Somebody locate the emergency diaper bag." "We got a Code Pampers at the door!" [VERSE 3 – Fast, driving Southern rock] He's got his thumb in his mouth and his knees pulled tight, Been crying like a baby since the middle of the night. He wants his way, wants everybody to bend, But that motherfucking tantrum just won't end! His pacifier's on the floor, his diaper's gone bad, He's throwing the biggest hissy fit this jail ever had. He screamed, "I CAN'T STAND THIS PLACE NO MORE!" Then planted his ass right back by the door! [FINAL CHORUS – Everyone singing] WAAAAH! WAAAAH! SOMEBODY OPEN THE DOOR! "MY PACIFIER'S STILL LAYING ON THE FLOOR!" "WAAAAH! WAAAAH! I CAN'T TAKE NO MORE!" "THIS FUCKING DIAPER'S GOT MY ASS ALL SORE!" "GET ME A BOTTLE! GET ME A BIB!" "GET THIS GROWN-ASS BABY A GODDAMN CRIB!" "I DON'T WANNA STAY! I WANNA GO HOME!" "SOMEBODY LET ME THE FUCK OUT! I CAN'T STAND BEING ALONE!" [OUTRO – Music slows, spoken] Well, there sits Butler. Still at the door. Thumb in his mouth. Tears on his cheeks. Pacifier on the floor. And one hell of a dirty diaper. [Long pause] "CAN SOMEBODY PLEEEEEASE OPEN THE DOOR?" [Deep voice] "Goodnight, Butler." "Don't let the bedbugs bite." [Baby crying, followed by a loud guitar crash]