Funny Dates From Hell

Lyrics

[Intro] Reservation for two, table by the door He said, “I’m very mature”—then asked me what my sign was for [Verse 1] He brought a printed list of all the things he won’t eat Said his ex still has his password and his favorite seat He called the waiter “champ,” then corrected my laugh I checked the menu, checked the exits, did the math [Pre-Chorus] I wore the good shoes, made the babysitter wait Now he’s explaining crypto while the soup gets cold on the plate [Chorus] Funny dates from hell, grown women’s edition One drink, two red flags, full-blown bad decision I came for dinner, got a one-man show Smile, say “thank you,” then I’m out the door Funny dates from hell, put my name on the list If he says “my podcast,” I’m not hearing the pitch I know what I want, and I know what I won’t— Check please, baby, this grown woman’s gone [Verse 2] He asked if I’m “low maintenance,” then ordered for me Said he loves strong women—as long as they agree His phone lit up: “Mom calling,” he whispered, “Be cool” Then asked her if he should get the chicken or the fish to chew [Pre-Chorus] I paid my own tab, kept my coat on my chair He said, “You’re hard to read”—I said, “I’m leaving. That’s clear.” [Chorus] Funny dates from hell, grown women’s edition One drink, two red flags, full-blown bad decision I came for dinner, got a one-man show Smile, say “thank you,” then I’m out the door Funny dates from hell, put my name on the list If he says “my podcast,” I’m not hearing the pitch I know what I want, and I know what I won’t— Check please, baby, this grown woman’s gone [Bridge] No hard feelings, no scene, no debate Just a ride-share waiting and a very good plate Tell your group chat I made it back safe And save me the story for brunch on Sunday [Final Chorus] Funny dates from hell, grown women’s edition I came with standards, left with a great story written I came for dinner, got a one-man show Now I’m home in my slippers with the good takeout Funny dates from hell, put my name on the list If he says “my podcast,” I’m not hearing the pitch I know what I want, and I know what I won’t— Check please, baby, this grown woman’s gone [Outro] Reservation for one? Absolutely. And bring the dessert menu.