Umbridge's Wedding March

Lyrics

[Spoken Intro – Low, dry female voice] Just another day at Hogwarts. One little potion. A room full of fools. And Dolores Umbridge. Poor Severus… You have absolutely no idea. [Verse 1 – Playful, rhythmic] Down in the dungeon, pink fumes rise, A wicked sparkle fills their eyes. One careless stir, one dreadful crash, The potion bursts in a crimson flash! A boy declares his broom his bride, Another holds a suit of steel with pride. Two cauldrons dance across the floor, While Snape is heading for the door! A dozen hearts begin to glow, The students laugh, the bubbles blow. Snape grips his wand, his face turns red: “WHO PUT THAT RUBBISH INSTEAD?!” [Pre-Chorus – Rising strings] One little drop, one little spill, The castle’s lost its common will! But something worse is on its way, A nightmare dressed in pink today! [Chorus – Powerful, catchy] LOVE POTION DISASTER! The madness grows a little faster! Hearts are flying, cauldrons dance, Everybody’s lost their chance! LOVE POTION DISASTER! A pink and poisonous catastrophe! Snape is screaming, wild with rage: “GET THIS MADNESS OFF MY STAGE!” [Verse 2 – Bouncy, mischievous] A tiny cough, a dainty “Hem!” A dreadful voice calls out to him. In velvet pink, with ribbons tied, Comes Umbridge with her arms spread wide! She sees poor Snape, her cheeks turn bright, “My darling, you’re my heart’s delight!” She blows a kiss, he steps away, “Oh, Severus, come back and stay!” He turns to flee, she starts to chase, A look of horror on his face. The students tumble to the ground, As pink hearts flutter all around! [Pre-Chorus – Dramatic build] He runs to left, she runs to right, He tries to vanish out of sight! “My dearest Severus, wait for me!” “I’D RATHER FACE A BANSHEE!” [Chorus – Full orchestra and guitars] LOVE POTION DISASTER! The madness grows a little faster! Hearts are flying, cauldrons dance, Everybody’s lost their chance! LOVE POTION DISASTER! A pink and poisonous catastrophe! Snape is screaming, wild with rage: “GET THIS MADNESS OFF MY STAGE!” [Bridge – Slow, theatrical, mock-romantic] The doors swing wide, the candles flare, A wedding march fills up the air. In satin pink and layers of lace, Dolores floats with a lovestruck face. “My Severus, the day is here! Our wedding bells are ringing, dear!” She lifts her veil, she takes his hand, The students stare, the teachers stand. [Music stops abruptly – Total silence] [Spoken – Snape, cold and disgusted] “I would rather kiss a Dementor.” [Pause – Two beats] [Spoken – Umbridge, delighted] “Oh, Severus! You’re so shy!” [Final Chorus – Explosive, double energy] LOVE POTION DISASTER! The wedding bells are ringing faster! Umbridge comes in bridal white, Snape is running for his life! LOVE POTION DISASTER! No spell can save the Potions Master! Pink hearts flying through the hall, He’s had enough of one and all! LOVE POTION DISASTER! The students laugh, the teachers roar! He slams and locks the dungeon door, But Umbridge cries, “I LOVE YOU MORE!” [Outro – Music slows, mischievous strings] The potion fades, the spell is gone, The hearts dissolve before the dawn. Dolores blinks and looks around, Her wedding veil falls to the ground. Snape straightens up his coat of black, And slowly takes one careful step back. [Spoken – Snape, icy and furious] “One hundred points from Gryffindor.” “One hundred from Slytherin.” “One hundred from everyone.” “And if I ever see another love potion…” [Long dramatic pause] “…I resign.” [Spoken – Female contralto, whispering mischievously] “Same time tomorrow, Professor?” [Final orchestral sting – BOOM!]