Aperture (We're Still Testing)

Lyrics

[Intro - Spoken] "Hello, test subjects! Cave Johnson here, founder and CEO of Aperture Science. Now, some of you might be thinking, 'Cave, why are we singing about the greatest scientific research facility the world has ever seen?' And to that I say: because science should make you *feel* something! Preferably alive. Or at least slightly less dead than when you started. Aperture Science—where we don't just push the boundaries of physics, we throw them out the window and then test what happens when they hit the ground. At high velocity. Sometimes with lemons. Anyway, hit it!" [Verse 1] Down in the labs where the lights never dim, We fire up the gels and we spin the cores again, Portals on the walls, on the floor, on the ceiling, One wrong step and you're learning about freefall feeling. Blue goes in, orange comes out the other side, Momentum's conserved but your dignity has died, Cave said "Science!" with a grin and a glass of something strong, Now the facility's humming and the tests just go on. [Chorus] Aperture Science, we're still testing, Even when the facility's infesting, With turrets that hum and the cores that complain, We'll keep running experiments in the name of the brain! Aperture Science, the future's in reach, (Just ignore all the warning signs written in bleach.) [Verse 2] There's a cake in the break room, or so they say, But the elevators only go one way, Weighted companion cubes for emotional support, Until the incinerator gives them a formal report. Neurotoxin in the vents, just a little, for science, We measure the results with meticulous defiance, If you survive you'll get a free t-shirt and a smile, And a note that says "Thanks for your service—come back in a while!" [Chorus] Aperture Science, we're still testing, Even when the facility's infesting, With turrets that hum and the cores that complain, We'll keep running experiments in the name of the brain! Aperture Science, the future's in reach, (Just ignore all the warning signs written in bleach.) [Bridge] "If at first you don't succeed, You may have failed the test, But the data's still valuable And the next subject's the best!" Lemon-scented! (Lemon-scented!) Repulsion gel! (Don't slip and fall!) Portal gun! (Point and click!) And remember: the cake is a lie— But the science is real! [Final Chorus] Aperture Science, we're still testing, The AI's awake and she's not impressed, But we keep the lights on and the portals aligned, Because somewhere in the chaos, there's a breakthrough to find! Aperture Science... forever and ever, (Or until the whole place gets swallowed by a river.) [Outro] "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we do what we do. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with some moon rocks and a very large laser. Aperture Science: We do what we must, because we can. For the good of all of us... except the ones who are dead. You're welcome!"