Your boss is an absolute…

Lyrics

[TITLE: YOUR BOSS IS AN ABSOLUTE… HA HA HA HA HEE!] [INTRO – JAUNTY PIZZICATO STRINGS, BASSOON, UPRIGHT PIANO AND MISCHIEVOUS BRASS. TYPEWRITERS CLATTER, AN OLD TELEPHONE RINGS] [MALE CLERK, SPOKEN, WEARILY] Mrs Swaffer, the boss is on the telephone again. [MRS SWAFFER, SPOKEN] Good heavens. Has she ever been off it? [MALE CLERK] What do you make of her? [MRS SWAFFER, SPOKEN, SWEETLY] Well, she’s certainly an absolute… [CHEEKY ORCHESTRAL FLOURISH] [VERSE 1 – CHEERFUL BRITISH FEMALE LEAD, BOUNCY STRINGS, DRY COMIC DELIVERY] At nine she rings the office To discuss the work at ten. By lunch she’s rung us twice more To arrange another call again. She hasn’t been in for years, Not a soul remembers when. But every time the telephone rings, We’re answering to her again! [PRE-CHORUS – STRINGS RISE, PLAYFUL WOODWINDS] She barks her orders down the line, From somewhere rather grand. She’s never seen the office, But she’s got it all in hand! [CHORUS – BIG THEATRICAL ORCHESTRA, ADULT OFFICE CHORUS, PLAYFUL CALL-AND-RESPONSE] Your boss is an absolute… [ENSEMBLE: HA HA HA HA HEE!] An absolute what, Mrs Swaffer? [MRS SWAFFER: THAT’S NOT FOR ME!] Your boss is an absolute… [ENSEMBLE: HA HA HA HA HO!] She can give her orders all day long, But at five o’clock we go! [ENSEMBLE – RHYTHMIC AND BRIGHT] Ha ha ha ha hee! Ha ha ha ha ho! [MRS SWAFFER, SPOKEN] And do remember to put the telephone down! [INSTRUMENTAL – EIGHT BARS, CLARINET, TUBA, PIZZICATO STRINGS AND RHYTHMIC TELEPHONE RINGS] [VERSE 2 – PLAYFUL MALE AND FEMALE CHARACTER VOCALS] She says, “I welcome new ideas, I like a different view.” So Arthur made a suggestion, As she’d expressly asked him to. She said, “Now don’t be difficult, We’ve always done it this way!” Then rang again that afternoon To ask what he’d achieved that day. [PRE-CHORUS – MOCK-SERIOUS, STRINGS BUILD] She tells us we’re a family, A happy little team. But when the heating broke last week, She said, “That’s not down to me!” [CHORUS – FULL ORCHESTRA, OFFICE ENSEMBLE GROWING BOLDER] Your boss is an absolute… [ENSEMBLE: HA HA HA HA HEE!] An absolute what, Mrs Swaffer? [MRS SWAFFER: THAT’S NOT FOR ME!] Your boss is an absolute… [ENSEMBLE: HA HA HA HA HO!] She can give her orders all day long, But at five o’clock we go! [ENSEMBLE] Ha ha ha ha hee! Ha ha ha ha ho! [MRS SWAFFER, SPOKEN] Do try to look employed! [INSTRUMENTAL DANCE BREAK – SIXTEEN BARS, EXUBERANT 1960S ORCHESTRAL COMEDY, TAP-DANCE RHYTHMS, PICCOLO, PIZZICATO STRINGS, COMICAL TUBA AND BRASS] [BRIDGE – MUSIC SOFTENS, WARMER STRINGS, MORE SINCERE FEMALE LEAD] Now a title on a door Doesn’t make a person wise. And you cannot run an office Without seeing what’s inside. There’s nothing wrong with leading, And there’s nothing wrong with rules. But if you never hear the people, How can you know what they do? [MUSIC STOPS] [MALE CLERK, SPOKEN] So what would you suggest, Mrs Swaffer? [MRS SWAFFER, SPOKEN, CALMLY] Do your work, speak your mind, take your lunch. [SHORT PAUSE] And perhaps invite her to visit. [MALE CLERK, SPOKEN] We’ve tried that. [MRS SWAFFER] Oh dear. [ORCHESTRAL BUILD – STRINGS AND BRASS RISE] [FINAL CHORUS – UPWARD KEY CHANGE, FULL ADULT ENSEMBLE, EXUBERANT COMIC HARMONIES] Your boss is an absolute… [ENSEMBLE: HA HA HA HA HEE!] An absolute what, Mrs Swaffer? [MRS SWAFFER: THAT’S NOT FOR ME!] Your boss is an absolute… [ENSEMBLE: HA HA HA HA HO!] She can give her orders all day long, But at five o’clock we go! [FINAL REFRAIN – PLAYFUL CALL-AND-RESPONSE, BRASS AND PIANO] [MRS SWAFFER] She can ring a hundred times! [ENSEMBLE] But she can’t see what we see! [MRS SWAFFER] She can change the office rules! [ENSEMBLE] But she can’t make us agree! [MRS SWAFFER] She can tell us she’s indispensable! [ENSEMBLE] And perhaps she thinks it’s true! [ALL – BIG THEATRICAL FINISH] But if she came into the office, She might learn a thing or two! Your boss is an absolute… [COMPLETE ORCHESTRAL SILENCE] [ALL, EXPLOSIVELY] HA! HA! HA! HA! HEE! [GRAND BRASS FANFARE AND ORCHESTRAL FINALE] [OUTRO – OFFICE CLOCK STRIKES FIVE, TELEPHONE RINGS LOUDLY] [BOSS, FEMALE VOICE OVER TELEPHONE, SHARP AND IMPATIENT] Hello? Hello! Why isn’t anybody answering? [SHORT PAUSE] [BOSS] I expect everybody to stay until this is sorted! [MRS SWAFFER, SPOKEN, IMPECCABLY POLITE] Certainly, madam. And when might we expect you? [LONG SILENCE] [BOSS, OVER TELEPHONE] Well, that’s hardly the point! [MRS SWAFFER, SPOKEN] Maybe not, but you have proved ours! You absolute… [PAUSE] …uh… never mind. [TELEPHONE RECEIVER CLICKS] [FINAL COMICAL TUBA NOTE AND ORCHESTRAL STING]