Funny Dates From Hell

Lyrics

[Intro] I said, “One drink.” You said, “I know a place.” The place was closed. We went to your cousin’s game. [Verse 1] You wore cologne like a promise in a bottle, Pulled up late with a dashboard full of potholes. Said you’re “big on honesty,” then changed your age, Your profile said forty-four; your license said “page.” You ordered for me, I ordered my own, You called your ex to ask which wine she likes most. I smiled at the waiter: “Could we get the check?” You said, “I forgot my wallet”—I said, “I bet.” [Pre-Chorus] I’m not bitter, I’m just taking notes, Cute little red flags in a trench coat. I came for dinner, got a whole TV show— Roll credits, baby, I’m ready to go. [Chorus] Funny dates from hell, grown women edition, He brought big talk and a tiny definition. I paid my half, then I paid for the ride, Now I’m laughing all the way to the passenger side. Funny dates from hell, tell the group chat, “Well…” If he says “I’m different,” ring the dinner bell. We look good, we know, we can laugh and excel— Funny dates from hell! [Verse 2] He said he’s a chef, made toast in a pan, Called it “deconstructed”—sir, that’s bread, man. Asked if I’d split rent on the first date out, Then showed me a crypto chart and talked me through doubt. He said, “You’re so mature,” like I’d won a prize, Then threw a small fit when I picked the fries. I left with my purse and my peace intact, His “one last question” got left on read—facts. [Pre-Chorus] I’m not bitter, I’m just taking notes, Cute little red flags in a trench coat. I came for dinner, got a whole TV show— Roll credits, baby, I’m ready to go. [Chorus] Funny dates from hell, grown women edition, He brought big talk and a tiny definition. I paid my half, then I paid for the ride, Now I’m laughing all the way to the passenger side. Funny dates from hell, tell the group chat, “Well…” If he says “I’m different,” ring the dinner bell. We look good, we know, we can laugh and excel— Funny dates from hell! [Breakdown] He said, “You’re the one.” I said, “For tonight?” He said, “My mom thinks we’d look nice.” Check, please. [Final Chorus] Funny dates from hell, grown women edition, We turned bad timing into good television. Lip gloss fresh and the standards held high, We toast to the stories and wave them goodbye. Funny dates from hell, tell the group chat, “Well…” If he says “I’m different,” ring the dinner bell. We look good, we know, let the whole room yell— Funny dates from hell! [Outro] Grown women edition—case closed, all is well. Next date? We’ll see. But we’re billing the tale.