Be useful

Lyrics

[INTRO – BOUNCY PIZZICATO STRINGS, CLARINET, TINKLING PIANO AND A CHEEKY BRASS FLOURISH. POSH BRITISH FEMALE SPOKEN VOICE] [WOMAN, SPOKEN] People are such wonderful creatures. [SHORT PAUSE] Some of them. [ORCHESTRAL FLOURISH] [VERSE 1 – BRIGHT FEMALE LEAD, PRECISE COMIC PHRASING, JAUNTY RHYTHM] There’s a gentleman who whistles Every morning on the train, And a lady who explains to me The likelihood of rain. There’s a chap who talks in circles And a woman who won’t stop, And the fellow at the counter Who says, “Sorry, we’re shut, love!” [PRE-CHORUS – STRINGS RISE, PLAYFUL WOODWIND ANSWERS] Now Mother taught me manners, And Father taught me grace. But neither quite explained to me What to do with my face! [CHORUS – EXPLOSIVELY CHEERFUL FULL ORCHESTRA, CHILDREN’S CHORUS CALL-AND-RESPONSE] Fuck off! Fuck off! When you’ve really had enough! Let your face say, “How delightful!” While your mind says, “Fuck off!” Fuck off! Fuck off! Not a tantrum, not a scoff! Just a smile and “What a pleasure!” With a secret little fuck off! [CHILDREN: Fuck OFF! Fuck OFF!] [WOMAN, SPOKEN] Quietly, children! [INSTRUMENTAL – EIGHT BARS, PLAYFUL CLARINET, TUBA AND PIZZICATO STRINGS] [VERSE 2 – COMIC STORYTELLING, MALE BARITONE JOINS FOR SHORT RESPONSES] There’s a neighbour with a leaf blower At a quarter after eight, And the person who says, “Calm down!” When you’re perfectly sedate. There’s the friend who says, “I’m nearly there!” While sitting in the bath, And the person who says, “Cheer up!” When you haven’t had a laugh. [PRE-CHORUS – STRINGS BUILD, BRASS PUNCTUATES EACH PHRASE] I’d like to give a lecture On the things that people do. But I’d be just as irritating, And the joke would be on who? [CHORUS – BIG BRASS, CHILDREN RESPOND, STRONG SINGALONG MELODY] Fuck off! Fuck off! When you’ve really had enough! Let your face say, “How delightful!” While your mind says, “Fuck off!” Fuck off!! Fuck off! Not a tantrum, not a scoff! Just a smile and “What a pleasure!” With a secret little fuck off! [INSTRUMENTAL DANCE BREAK – SIXTEEN BARS, TAP-DANCE SHOES, PICCOLO, CLARINET, TUBA, STRINGS AND COMICAL ORCHESTRAL STOPS] [BRIDGE – MUSIC SOFTENS, SINCERE BUT MISCHIEVOUS FEMALE VOCAL] Now perhaps I’m not perfection. I’ve been known to talk too long. I’ve been late for an appointment, And I’ve whistled half a song. And somewhere there’s a gentleman Who’s had enough of me. He’s probably composing His own little melody. [ORCHESTRA STOPS] [MAN, SPOKEN] As a matter of fact, madam… [WOMAN, SPOKEN] Don’t you dare! [FINAL CHORUS – UPWARD KEY CHANGE, FULL COMPANY, EXUBERANT ORCHESTRAL CELEBRATION] Fuck off! Fuck off! When you’ve really had enough! Let your face say, “How delightful!” While your mind says, “Fuck off!” Fuck off! fuck off! Let the aggravation drop! Life’s too short for endless quarrels, So it’s best to know when to stop! [FINAL REFRAIN – BIG ENSEMBLE, COMIC COUNTERMELODIES, CHILDREN JOIN] Fuck off! Fluckoff! What a splendid little thought! You can keep your lovely manners While you’re thinking something short! Fuck off! Fuck off! Let the orchestra take off! And if everybody’s driving you mad… [ORCHESTRA STOPS COMPLETELY] [WOMAN, SPOKEN, VERY POLITELY] Do kindly fuck off. [FINAL BRASS FANFARE, DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL STING] [CHILD, SPOKEN] Does that mean goodbye? [WOMAN, SPOKEN] More or less, darling. [COMICAL PICCOLO FINISH]