Fuck! My beck went out (again)

Lyrics

[Verse 1] I used to close down bars at 3, now I'm in bed by 9. I got a drawer full of pills and a "supportive" pillow, and yeah, they're fucking mine. I sneezed in the kitchen on a Tuesday night And pulled something I didn't know I had. Now I'm walking like a crab with a mortgage, and honestly, it's sad. [Chorus] Oh, I'm middle-aged, I'm middle-aged, Too old to give a shit, too young to fucking die! My knees sound like a bowl of Rice Krispies, And I yell "WHAT?" at the TV, but it's not even loud, it's just mumbly! I'm middle-aged, I'm middle-aged, I get excited when the Tupperware lids match. Did a squat to pick up my keys today, And I made a noise like a haunted gate. Fuck, my back went out. Again. [Verse 2] I've got a podcast about gutters, and I listen on a walk. Used to love a rave, now I love a spreadsheet, and I like to talk About the interest rate on my savings account Like it's a hot date I'm scared to ruin. My doctor says, "Well, that's just age," and I say, "Then age can go fuck itself, Doug." [Chorus] Oh, I'm middle-aged, I'm middle-aged, I've gotta stretch for ten whole minutes just to put on socks! Every song on the radio is some kid I don't know, And the "classic rock" they're playing is the shit I used to buy! I'm middle-aged, I'm middle-aged, I said "Ooof" when I sat down, and I said "Ahhh" when I stood. My body's a car with a hundred-fifty K, And the check-engine light's been on since '09. Fuck, my back went out. Again. [Bridge (slow down, mock-serious)] I used to have dreams. I used to have abs. Now I've got a 401(k) and a lactose-intolerant gut. I read the whole menu for the noise level, And I said "I'm good" to a free shot, like some kind of fucking adult. Where did I go? Where did he go? That guy who could eat a whole pizza and still go dancing? Now I'm in the yard at 7 a.m. yelling at a squirrel, And I think, oh no. I'm my dad. [Final Chorus (big, key change, everyone shouting)] Oh, I'm middle-aged, I'm middle-aged, And I'll be damned, I'm kind of fucking happy! I've got good friends, a comfy chair, And a body that's held up this long on coffee and dumb luck! So raise a glass (but just one, I've got an early day), To the creaky, cranky, wonderful, fucked-up road I've paved. And if you see me on the floor, don't call a nurse, Just hand me a heating pad. Fuck, my back went out. Again. [Outro (spoken, mumbled)] ...Is it just me, or is it cold in here?